Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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