Umm I'm too high to move.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
