I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
