did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
