who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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