Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize