Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
