I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I see more hoeing in ur future
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