I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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