Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Randomize
