he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
