im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My balls are so social today.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Randomize
