Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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