a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
