I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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