I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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