it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
People with herpes should wear stickers.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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