you guys were way drunker than both of me
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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