This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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