Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
