i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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