I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
