im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
