Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
