sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
