Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
