Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
