I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Randomize
