if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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