Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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