you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize