guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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