I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
