I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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