i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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