I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
