My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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