She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
