I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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