Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I still have a little drunk in my system
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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