Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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