You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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