seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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