Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
