I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
