Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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