even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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