At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize