Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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