I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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