I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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