i just had sex bonerless
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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