I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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