I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
