Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
