over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
