he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize