I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
