My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
