Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
