I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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