I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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