I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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