he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
