why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize