I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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