I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
